Well, this settles it. I have an unhealthy new Monday night activity. Where I used to go out drinking like a normal person, I now make dinner and watch network TV like a total sociopath. My thoughts on the new episode of Dancing With the Stars below.

At least they didn’t start blogs.

Leeza and Tony
This episode was aired on Leeza’s 50th birthday. I think when they botoxed her face into submission, the needle slipped and they treated her soul also. I’ve never seen a more boring, lifeless woman.

Joey Fatone and Kym
Once again, Joey warmed my cold, cold heart with his alluring blend of boyish impetuosity and fleet-footed competence. And then he turned around and I saw that he had affixed gigantic glitter letters to each flap of the tails on his coat: J F. If this man and I don’t have the exact same style, I don’t know who does.
Also, he was the best man-star dancer. Because he can do the quick-step without looking like a dandy. I’m looking in your direction, Ian Ziering.

The winners.

Laila Ali and Maksim
I worry about Laila Ali’s testicles popping out of her leotard in the same way I worry about Heather Mills’ leg falling off. I don’t want it to happen, but I watch their performance transfixed on them, waiting for a wardrobe malfunction on par with the Hindenburg. She has such a pretty face, with the body of Mario Lopez. She is both the perfect man and the perfect woman. She’s a great dancer. But oh my god. I mean, I love gays and I am by no means disturbed by two dudes getting down, but I got a little nervous when Laila swung Maks up between her legs. Because I was sure her nuts would end up on his forehead.
I’m sorry, Laila. Don’t punch me.

I’m both scared of you and drawn to you.

Shandi and Brian
I now understand the common childhood compulsion to rip the heads off Barbie and Ken. Although, in this case, it would be considered a hate crime.

Not actually heteros.

Clyde and Elena
They are such a cute couple. Too bad they’re going home next week.

Heather and Jonathan
Heather, I can’t believe you did a back flip during your dance. That was amazing. It only would have been better if your leg flipped off, knocked down one of the stage lights and killed Shandi and Brian.

Apolo and Julianne
When Apolo smiles, it’s like rays of sunshine – in that it blinds me, gives me cancer, and reminds me that the sun is only one of innumberable, possibly life supporting stars that are warming little aliens that will one day fly to earth and destroy us all. I wish he would just stop that.

Just stop it, Apolo.