In order to avoid misunderstandings among friends, I recently went back to Royale to perform some scientific inquiry on its ass. In a previous post, I had professed its awesomeness - with due qualifications - and was brutally shut down. Admittedly, I had visited the bar on the worst possible time to go out in New York, Saturday night. This time, I went to Happy Hour - the best light in which to see a drinking establishment - with the express purpose of collecting numerical data, which I would like to share with you.
The basic assertion that I am challenging is that Welcome to the Johnson’s has the best Happy Hour in the five boroughs of New York City. On a ten point scale, I hearby prove that Royale is a strong contender, if not the unquestionable winner. Please find definitions and measurements below the chart.
DP: Drink Price
As a percentage of hourly pay
DFW: Distance from Work
As a percentage of an hour
C: Crowdedness
As a percentage of the total seats filled in the bar
S: Smell
As a percentage of stink molecules in the air
MV: Music volume
100% = the volume of regular human conversation
AoB: Adorableness of Bartender
As a percentage of ooogie-smoogie-boogums
PoB: Personableness of Bartender
As a percentage of time filled with witty banter
K: Kitchiness
As a percentage of ridiculous things in the bar, like Jenga or family photographs
BS: Bathroom Scariness
As a percentage of bathroom-related nightmares following the drinking session during regular sleeping hours (normally about 13%)
F: Formalness
As a percentage of men present wearing non-ironic ties
what are royale’s actual happy hour prices?
Royale has a 2-for-1 happy hour for well drinks and draft beers until 9pm. This translates to drinks that are $2.50 each.
Ooh, that is pretty good. I feel like $3 is standard happy hour draft beer price, and most only go til 7 or 8. I still don’t think Royale is that super-great, but I tip my hat to their happy hour.
I think the price + big cushy booths + playing Jenga on the bar with the bartender = totally awesome happy hour.
i think i saw this graph in scientific american last month.
I made it in Excel while I watched Lost last night. So fancy.
I cannot imagine the algorythms that must have been use to derive such concise scientific information. Bravo. Though you did miss the X factor the Bartender at the Royale is a redhead.
That’s a good point. Let it be known that the bartender is a redhead, has top-notch Jenga skills, and has promised me a free NYC Subvert tee-shirt.
recklesley You still have not returned to Royale to collect on your promised T-shirt. I will supply said shirt when you do.