Brooklyn Skeptic » New York

An Open Letter To All Bikers In NYC

Administrator — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 22:37:18 +0000

It is dusk on a Sunday, and bearclaws is approaching a crosswalk, visions of sugarplums probably dancing in her head. Mechanically, she notes that the intersection’s resident electronic crossing guard is wearing his smart white pantsuit, NOT his fiery reddish-orange unitard. To bearclaws, this sign says, “C’mon! Cross over! We live in a civilized republic where it was decided that anarchy -while sexy when you are 15 and hate your parents- is ultimately impractical, so have faith that aforementioned white pantsuit means that you will be safe to get to the other side.” Fault her for not looking both ways – which she admittedly didn’t- but had bearclaws started to cross a moment earlier, she would have been ass over tea kettle, sideswiped by a biker going through a red light.*

Now before all the bikers get themselves into a kerfuffle about how riding a bike has more positive side effects than hanging out with baby kittens, save it. I get it, and I mostly agree with you. Biking is healthy, ecologically friendly, creates less traffic, etc. However, what is NOT healthy is colliding with pedestrians nor scaring the bejesus out of them. I am a proponent of increasing the volume and enforcement of bike lanes, until the next time I get knocked on my ass. Nothing is guaranteed to erode the goodwill of bike-supporters faster than six months of eating food through a straw. Think of it like this; running red lights just because you are on a bike is like having a friend with gills who always brags about being able to breathe underwater. At some point, I am going to try to drown you both in my toilet.

*No bearclaws were harmed during the inspiration for this PSA

NYC Condoms: Taking the MTA Theme Too Far

Administrator — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 18:24:22 +0000

The NYC Condoms are Brooklyn Skeptic’s new favorite things. However, we figure that if you’re going to make them MTA themed, you might as well go all the way (so to speak). Here are the first two in BS’s line of NYC Condoms.

The G Condom can be found in the F packaging from 12:00AM to 5:00AM Monday – Friday. It is unreliable, at best.

The L Condom is characterized by its asymmetrical cut. It works well on the weekdays, but you should have a Plan B for the weekend.

Subway Perverts

Administrator — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 18:26:15 +0000

The scene: It’s 8:20AM and a young lady – let’s just say it’s this editor, for the sake of argument – stumbles sleepily down the stairs to the subway, shuffles past the booth and stops for a moment to fumble with her MetroCard. Lodged in the turnstile nook, headphones on, hands engrossed in the search for the MetroCard, she is helpless. And that’s when the Subway Pervert descends.

SP sneaks up behind the helpless lady and grabs her ass like he is being sucked into a black hole and it is the only way he can keep from being torn out of this reality and having all of his cells flipped inside out. What I’m trying to say here is that it is a strong grab. However, in the moment it happens, she is already going through the gate and by the time the atrocity of the situation hits her, she is on the other side. She spins around, locks eyes with SP and gives him the dirtiest look she can muster. It is some cold shit, though probably no match for a good old fashioned molestation.

Now, the aggrieved young lady has a couple of options. First, she can go back through the turnstile, forfeit her $2, and punch/yell at SP. This is not really an ideal choice should the young lady have wrongly identified the Pervert or should the Pervert be more wily, high or violent than she originally expected. The second option would be to yell to the cop who happened to be on the platform, “THAT PERVERT JUST GRABBED MY ASS!” The cop, of course, would be forgivable if he responded, “I’m really just here to look out for terrorists. Ass-grabbing is totally righteous and American.” The final option would be to ignore it, tossing nothing his way but some stink-eye. And this is what she does.

I propose we start an advocacy group for subway molestees. Or at least provide everyone with NYC branded pepper spray. Or scarlet SPs.