The NY Times discusses one of current society’s most hated, gluten.  I find this article thought provoking as it goes through and lists the (apparently) many nays of the protein.  (Who knew?)  I’d like to share with you some of the most interesting points/truths exposed by the Times.

“There is no question that eating gluten aggravates celiac disease, an autoimmune disorder that damages the small intestine and interferes with absorption of nutrients.” (Nay, especially since I am convinced I might currently be suffering from this disease.)

“Brandi Walzer, a 29-year-old cartographer in Savannah, Ga., loves bread, not to mention pizza and beer. But she tries to avoid them, because they contain gluten — a substance she says upsets her stomach, aggravates her arthritis and touches off depression.” (Nay.)

“[Gluten] is responsible for a variety of ills, from skin eruptions to infertility to anxiety to gas.” (Um, nay.)

“To be sure, whole wheat and other cereal grains that contain gluten can be hard to digest. (Nay.) The bran and germ components tend to pass through the alimentary canal intact, which is why they are often prescribed as a sort of natural broom to relieve constipation (Nay?)— and why they can also cause gas and diarrhea.” (Hmmm, yeah, nay.)

“Gluten is relatively new to the human diet, as wheat cultivation began only some 10,000 years ago. Now it is ubiquitous, not only in processed foods (including salad dressings, ice cream and peanut butter) but even in the adhesives on envelopes as well as in lipsticks and lotions.”(Whoa- yay for fascinating factor, but nay for possibly ingesting carbs from licking an envelope.)

Despite what this piece argues, I, personally, am a fan of gluten.  Obviously not because of its health benefits, since as it turns out, eating gluten can lead to almost every problematic health issue just shy of death.  But because gluten is the key ingredient for a crispy bread and deliciously textured pasta.  We, the American people, need it.  Our (my) taste buds have adapted to accept only the most indigestible food products our (my) bodies can handle.  And as of right now, we (I) am okay with that.  Though, I suppose if consuming this particular protein will set off “a variety of ills” to ”erupt” within my holy sacred (body), perhaps this article should be taken more seriously.  Or, maybe I (and most likely the rest of Brooklyn Skeptic) will ignore these facts altogether and drink as much beer as humanly possible.

(Breakfast of Champions)

The scene: It’s 8:20AM and a young lady – let’s just say it’s this editor, for the sake of argument – stumbles sleepily down the stairs to the subway, shuffles past the booth and stops for a moment to fumble with her MetroCard. Lodged in the turnstile nook, headphones on, hands engrossed in the search for the MetroCard, she is helpless. And that’s when the Subway Pervert descends.

SP sneaks up behind the helpless lady and grabs her ass like he is being sucked into a black hole and it is the only way he can keep from being torn out of this reality and having all of his cells flipped inside out. What I’m trying to say here is that it is a strong grab. However, in the moment it happens, she is already going through the gate and by the time the atrocity of the situation hits her, she is on the other side. She spins around, locks eyes with SP and gives him the dirtiest look she can muster. It is some cold shit, though probably no match for a good old fashioned molestation.

Now, the aggrieved young lady has a couple of options. First, she can go back through the turnstile, forfeit her $2, and punch/yell at SP. This is not really an ideal choice should the young lady have wrongly identified the Pervert or should the Pervert be more wily, high or violent than she originally expected. The second option would be to yell to the cop who happened to be on the platform, “THAT PERVERT JUST GRABBED MY ASS!” The cop, of course, would be forgivable if he responded, “I’m really just here to look out for terrorists. Ass-grabbing is totally righteous and American.” The final option would be to ignore it, tossing nothing his way but some stink-eye. And this is what she does.

I propose we start an advocacy group for subway molestees. Or at least provide everyone with NYC branded pepper spray. Or scarlet SPs.